Not Dealing With Life Well Right Now...DEPRESSED BIG TIME

Lately I haven't been dealing with life issues very well. To much here at home going on with the remodel and renovation (feeling overwhelmed), Kirk's mom is coming for a week, Edward's 5th Birthday Party is less than 2 weeks away, and then yesterday when I got to church I noticed someone was pregnant (or at least looked like they were...trust me it isn't that I am not exstactic and over joyed from them, I am...I am being selfish and demanding God tell me why it isn't me). Lately I find myself being overly selfishness and distrusting God that He knew and was doing what was right for our family when my heart wants something else so badly. It is so hard sometimes, I know I have to trust and have faith in God, even if the answer is no or later. It just seems that later isn't the answer either given time lines, and to be truthful it breaks my heart to think of Edward being an only child...I know one day (if the Lord doesn't come first) that Kirk and I will leave this earth and Edward will be all alone on it (I know of course he will have God to lean on and care for him). I know that one day he will marry and have a family of his own but he wont have siblings to love and support him, to remember his growing up times with or his parents specialness. I also see him around littler children and I see how much of a great big brother he would be and it breaks my heart that I can't give him that. I hate having PCOS. It sucks so much but I know that there is a reason for everything and it is all in God's plans for us. I think partly a lot of this has to do with Edwards birthday, the fact that he is getting older and how much of an age difference there would be between him and another child now. I just need to be thankful and grateful that God has given me Edward and quit dwelling on what probably will never be. I feel by not trusting that it will happen in God's timing or accepting that He might have already given us the answer in the form of No, that I am not be faithful in him. Does that make sense? Well, at least I got a good cry out of confessing and write this entry. It is so hard, I feel sometimes as if I am all alone and no one understands (especially family).

PTL!!! He is RISEN, indeed He is!!!

Easter is one of my favorite holidays because I get to contemplate how our Lord and Savior loved us so much that He choose to come to Earth and die on a Cross for my sins, your sins, the sins of generations past and for all those yet to come. That is the ultimate in love. I can't even begin to understand what it was like to do something so compassionate for those whom you knew might turn against you. I don't know how people can even begin to believe in there being no God, it is just beyond me. I look around me every day and see God's beauty, love and compassion for humanity and I can't see how some can choose to turn a blind eye to what is so obvious. I am sickened how this country that was founded by Christians has forgotten its true heritage (and reason for being) and how now even the word Easter Bunny is offensive. I remember when I was in school it was Easter Break and Christmas Break not Spring Break and Winter Break. How you were able to have a Christmas concert at school and sing songs like Holy Night and Away in the Manger. Since when did a Christmas tree become a Holiday tree? I don't mind that others choose different religions, that is their choice, God did give us the freedom of choice....however this country was founded by Christians so that they could have their Christian faith and values, so not to be ruled by others on how to believe or worship God (not Buddha or any other type of "God"), so why should we have to change our laws to accommodate others...they don't change their laws for Christians or people of other faiths. We have become to lenient as a Country. I wish more Christians would take a stand, so we can take back our country and return it to how those who founded it dreamt it to be for future generations. I am so amazed by God every day and thankful that he choose to love me in spite of my human imperfections and ways. PTL! That He is RISEN!!! Happy Easter. PTL that my father is the King of King and I am a princess. I can't wait to go home to Him.

Edwards Dedication

Yesterday was Edwards Dedication at Church, it went well. We were so proud of him, especially after all the fussing he had done about not wanting to do it. He went up to the front though like a little champ and even let the pastor hold him during his prayer for Edward. We got so many compliments on how cute he looked in his little sailor suit and hat.