Not Dealing With Life Well Right Now...DEPRESSED BIG TIME

Lately I haven't been dealing with life issues very well. To much here at home going on with the remodel and renovation (feeling overwhelmed), Kirk's mom is coming for a week, Edward's 5th Birthday Party is less than 2 weeks away, and then yesterday when I got to church I noticed someone was pregnant (or at least looked like they were...trust me it isn't that I am not exstactic and over joyed from them, I am...I am being selfish and demanding God tell me why it isn't me). Lately I find myself being overly selfishness and distrusting God that He knew and was doing what was right for our family when my heart wants something else so badly. It is so hard sometimes, I know I have to trust and have faith in God, even if the answer is no or later. It just seems that later isn't the answer either given time lines, and to be truthful it breaks my heart to think of Edward being an only child...I know one day (if the Lord doesn't come first) that Kirk and I will leave this earth and Edward will be all alone on it (I know of course he will have God to lean on and care for him). I know that one day he will marry and have a family of his own but he wont have siblings to love and support him, to remember his growing up times with or his parents specialness. I also see him around littler children and I see how much of a great big brother he would be and it breaks my heart that I can't give him that. I hate having PCOS. It sucks so much but I know that there is a reason for everything and it is all in God's plans for us. I think partly a lot of this has to do with Edwards birthday, the fact that he is getting older and how much of an age difference there would be between him and another child now. I just need to be thankful and grateful that God has given me Edward and quit dwelling on what probably will never be. I feel by not trusting that it will happen in God's timing or accepting that He might have already given us the answer in the form of No, that I am not be faithful in him. Does that make sense? Well, at least I got a good cry out of confessing and write this entry. It is so hard, I feel sometimes as if I am all alone and no one understands (especially family).

Should I wear a Disclaimer or Defective Badge?

I have been feeling lately as if people are judging me by the way I look. My hair is thinning in places, I have fair that grows from my chin & I am fat. These are only the things that they can see on the outside. No one can see the issues my body is going through on the inside. No one knows how hard I struggle and hate the way I look. I know if you are reading this then you are saying if this is the issue then fix it. But it's not 100% fixable for me. I have a disease, one that a lot of people don't understand or even know that in addition to having infertility issues there are so many other health problems and little quirks that go hand and hand with my disease. My Disease is called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I struggle with this disease and have every day since I was 11, when I was blessed with my cycle. I didn't know it though until 1999 or 2000. I went through years of not knowing what was wrong with me, why I couldn't do that simple thing of giving a child to my husband. People star at me, their looks tell me everything that they are thinking. Lady loose weight. Lady take care of yourself. Lady quite being so lazy. Heck, I have actually had a family member tell me that I was Fat, Ugly and Lazy. This broke my heart. I don't want to be fat, I would give anything to have the body that Britney Spears (NO I DON'T CONDONE THIS LADY LIFE...I am just using her to make a statement...you will see what I mean as you read on) that the press and tabloids had the audacity to claim was a fat. LOL! Yeah right if that is fat then I am in HUGE trouble and no wonder why I keep feeling like people are judging me for my weight. It is exteremly hard for a woman with PCOS to loose weight, so much so that my doctor told me she wouldn't put me on a diet. It would be more disasterous for my state of mind and mental well being because it would be so fustrating for me. She just said eat breakfast, get 30 mins of exercise a day and take care of yourself by taking your meds daily.

FACTS ABOUT PCOS: Is also known as Stein-Leventhal Syndrome or Polycystic Ovary Disease (PCOD). Affects an estimated 6-10% of all women and most don't even know they have it. Is treatable, but not curable, by medications, changes in diet (sometimes but not always..this depends on lots of other factors) and exercise. Is one of the leading causes of infertility in women. Has been identified for 75 years and they still aren't sure what causes it. Affects far more than just reproduction. IT IS NOT just a cosmetic problem. CAN INCLUDE THE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS: Irregular or absent menses, Numerous cysts on the ovaries in many, but not all, cases, High blood pressure, High Cholesterol, Acne, Elevated insulin levels, Insulin Resistance, or Diabetes, Infertility, Excess hair on the face and body, Thinning of the scalp hair (alopecia), Weight Problems or obesity that is centered around your mid section

I feel like I need walk around with a huge badge on my chest or a tattoo on my forhead that states I AM DEFECTIVE, PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE ME ON MY OUTSIDE APPEARANCE

PCOS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I was just writing I have a friend with Lupus, and like Lupus, PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is a disease that there is not much known about. So I can understand to some degree what my friend with Lupus faces on a daily, lots of people think she is just faking or is a hypo-conderact. My PCOS has brought me closer to God. It has allowed me to learn so much. My Faith in the Lord is very strong because of it. I was able to work in a day care and to be a nanny for 5 years before God blessed us with a child of our own. I was able to learn patience, important nurturing, unconditional love, and just how to raise a child with love and acceptance for who they are. People say that God doesn't give us diseases or allow bad things to us. Of course He doesn't give us disease but he does allow them to happen to us and other things that will cause trials in our lives. He does it out of love for us not out of hate. He wants us to grow stronger in our faith and walk with him. Sometimes he allows things to happen to put us back in our place. I love Him for this.