Not Dealing With Life Well Right Now...DEPRESSED BIG TIME

Lately I haven't been dealing with life issues very well. To much here at home going on with the remodel and renovation (feeling overwhelmed), Kirk's mom is coming for a week, Edward's 5th Birthday Party is less than 2 weeks away, and then yesterday when I got to church I noticed someone was pregnant (or at least looked like they were...trust me it isn't that I am not exstactic and over joyed from them, I am...I am being selfish and demanding God tell me why it isn't me). Lately I find myself being overly selfishness and distrusting God that He knew and was doing what was right for our family when my heart wants something else so badly. It is so hard sometimes, I know I have to trust and have faith in God, even if the answer is no or later. It just seems that later isn't the answer either given time lines, and to be truthful it breaks my heart to think of Edward being an only child...I know one day (if the Lord doesn't come first) that Kirk and I will leave this earth and Edward will be all alone on it (I know of course he will have God to lean on and care for him). I know that one day he will marry and have a family of his own but he wont have siblings to love and support him, to remember his growing up times with or his parents specialness. I also see him around littler children and I see how much of a great big brother he would be and it breaks my heart that I can't give him that. I hate having PCOS. It sucks so much but I know that there is a reason for everything and it is all in God's plans for us. I think partly a lot of this has to do with Edwards birthday, the fact that he is getting older and how much of an age difference there would be between him and another child now. I just need to be thankful and grateful that God has given me Edward and quit dwelling on what probably will never be. I feel by not trusting that it will happen in God's timing or accepting that He might have already given us the answer in the form of No, that I am not be faithful in him. Does that make sense? Well, at least I got a good cry out of confessing and write this entry. It is so hard, I feel sometimes as if I am all alone and no one understands (especially family).

Should I wear a Disclaimer or Defective Badge?

I have been feeling lately as if people are judging me by the way I look. My hair is thinning in places, I have fair that grows from my chin & I am fat. These are only the things that they can see on the outside. No one can see the issues my body is going through on the inside. No one knows how hard I struggle and hate the way I look. I know if you are reading this then you are saying if this is the issue then fix it. But it's not 100% fixable for me. I have a disease, one that a lot of people don't understand or even know that in addition to having infertility issues there are so many other health problems and little quirks that go hand and hand with my disease. My Disease is called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I struggle with this disease and have every day since I was 11, when I was blessed with my cycle. I didn't know it though until 1999 or 2000. I went through years of not knowing what was wrong with me, why I couldn't do that simple thing of giving a child to my husband. People star at me, their looks tell me everything that they are thinking. Lady loose weight. Lady take care of yourself. Lady quite being so lazy. Heck, I have actually had a family member tell me that I was Fat, Ugly and Lazy. This broke my heart. I don't want to be fat, I would give anything to have the body that Britney Spears (NO I DON'T CONDONE THIS LADY LIFE...I am just using her to make a statement...you will see what I mean as you read on) that the press and tabloids had the audacity to claim was a fat. LOL! Yeah right if that is fat then I am in HUGE trouble and no wonder why I keep feeling like people are judging me for my weight. It is exteremly hard for a woman with PCOS to loose weight, so much so that my doctor told me she wouldn't put me on a diet. It would be more disasterous for my state of mind and mental well being because it would be so fustrating for me. She just said eat breakfast, get 30 mins of exercise a day and take care of yourself by taking your meds daily.

FACTS ABOUT PCOS: Is also known as Stein-Leventhal Syndrome or Polycystic Ovary Disease (PCOD). Affects an estimated 6-10% of all women and most don't even know they have it. Is treatable, but not curable, by medications, changes in diet (sometimes but not always..this depends on lots of other factors) and exercise. Is one of the leading causes of infertility in women. Has been identified for 75 years and they still aren't sure what causes it. Affects far more than just reproduction. IT IS NOT just a cosmetic problem. CAN INCLUDE THE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS: Irregular or absent menses, Numerous cysts on the ovaries in many, but not all, cases, High blood pressure, High Cholesterol, Acne, Elevated insulin levels, Insulin Resistance, or Diabetes, Infertility, Excess hair on the face and body, Thinning of the scalp hair (alopecia), Weight Problems or obesity that is centered around your mid section

I feel like I need walk around with a huge badge on my chest or a tattoo on my forhead that states I AM DEFECTIVE, PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE ME ON MY OUTSIDE APPEARANCE

Parenting.........vent!!!

How can 2 people have a child together and yet never inact with that child like they should on a daily basis.....I mean after all these 2 people do live with their child. I detest neglectful parents who don't take an interest in shaping and guiding their child through their infancy, toddlerhood, preschool years, childhood, pre-teens and teen years. It is our God given responsibility to being a role model and guidance advisor to these special blessings that God has put in our lives. I also detest parents who think that it is someone elses responsibility to raise their children, then they grip and act put out when they have to deal with a situation dealing with THEIR child(ren). These same people are the people who give you a dirty look when you discipline your child(ren) and try keeping them in line. They never discipline their child(ren), after all why would they when they have someone else raising THEIR children. Now, on to my real vent......if you don't know how to parent, take a parenting class or don't have children. I really want to say this to someone I know personally. However since I can't because that would cause a HUGE ordeal, I have to bite my lip and idly stand by and watch (from a great distance) while their child (only child) suffers from their lack of experience. It is even sadder to me because this child could have other issues that need to be met and dealt with, but they are so inexperienced in what they are doing they do not seem to be seeing these issues. Yet, again the issues the child is having could simply be from poor parenting. Either way though, this is still correctable and should be corrected as soon as possible, before it is too late. Oh and I have not even gotten to the good part, they feel like they want to homeschool their child, yet the child is 2 1/2yrs old and still not allowed to look at book (and they surely don't read to the child). They are afraid the child is going to ruin the books. A family member bought them a baby leappad for the childs first Christmas and they have never let the child play with it, because they don't want him to ruin it. Come on, it's a child's toy.....a learning toy at that. The child is suppose to play with it, that is why the family member bought it for the child. Thankfully they don't plan (well at least the dad doesn't) to have any more children. It is hard to see things and not be able to say anything about it. I don't think that they would listen to me anyways, even if I did say something. Not to mention these people are very ME ME ME oriented, it shows trust me in their parenting skills. Of course they feel like they are doing a wonderful job. But if I can see issues in this child that I have only seen 2 times in their lifetime, then needless to say they aren't doing such a wonderful job because they should have caught these things a long time ago. I know that I will be worrying about this child every day now for the rest of their lives. But wait this is not the only family I know with issues.

There is this family with 2 children a pre-teen girl and a teen boy. The boy is the apple of his parents eye, everything they do is for him. Now, I know what you are thinking how is that bad. In away it isn't, but when the other child suffers it is. That is exactly what is going on here. The young lady, is reguired to attend all her brothers functions, which he has been in some since he was in preschool. Yet she is not given the priviledge to be in activity, they will interfer with her beloved brothers schedule. The parents don't take the time to even help her with her school work. Which is suffering, she barely made it in to junior high school. I am concerned about her, what will become of her as she continues to grow up in this atmosphere. I fear she will run away, get pregnant or even worse get caught up in the wrong crowd and turn to drugs for attention. Both children are expected to get straight A's anything less is not their best. The parents do not take into consideration the fact that they have 2 totally different child, both requiring different ways to study and the fact that maybe their best is a B and not an A. Why can't they just love and accept them for the individuals that they are? They are not carbon copies of each other. Why can't they see that? Now I have 2 children to worry about, not to mention raising my own. I know you are asking why doesn't she just worry about her own child? These children are simply as much a part of my as my own child(ren), even though I never gave birth to either of them. Of course my child(ren) always come first, but I can still worry and pray for these children.