Fun Friday

Today was a fun day. Edward and I went bowling this afternoon. He didn't have Kindermusik or Bowling League today due to Spring Break. So today I decided we would have a Mommy/Edward day. Edward bowled a high score of 68, which was great. We had a great time, we bowled, had pizza and rootbeer, then went to Kohl's and Linen & Things to do some shopping. I enjoyed just being with my son. It was a great time. Kirk is going to take him to his Parent Tots Gymnastics Class at the local Recreation Center tomorrow morning, so I can get some much needed house work done. Not sure if they will go somewhere else afterwards or not, but every free minute will help.

My Reading List for the Spring Reading Challenge

This is my list thus far, the first 2 I have already started. Just need to start and finish the other 5 from my basket of need to read books.

• Saving Levi by Lisa Misraje Bentley
• Inside My Heart by Robin McGraw
• Tristan's Gap by Nancy Rue
• Two Little Girls In Blue by Mary Higgins Clark
• Ever After by Karen Kingsbury
• Ten Thousand Charms by Allison Pittman
• Sandcastles by Luanne Rice

Spring Reading Thing 2007

Happy Second Day of SPRING 2007! I have decided to join Spring Reading Thing 2007 , since I LOVE to read books, need to get motivated on my HUGE pile of books in my reading basket and thanks to a dear friend who also loves to read as much as I do, this will be a great motivator for me. Won't you join us on this challenge? All guidelines can be found if you follow the above link to Katrina's Blog. Now to make my list of the five books I want to finish and start. Labels: Spring Reading Thing 2007

Battling

Please know that this is not a pitty party, it is more a venting, screaming, crying, upset at life session. Please read with caution. I have been dealing with a huge battle lately.....DEPRESSION. I am on depression meds already. I know what is causing the depression I have been feeling so heavily lately. We have been (as you know from reading my blog) trying to have another baby since Sept of '06...I have been on Clomid since then. I had to have my prescription doubled from what I took to get pregnant with Edward over 4 years ago. I took my last session this month and now here I sit as I do every month...waiting, hoping, praying, trying not to dwell and trying to have faith. I want to cry because it is so easy for some to get pregnant and then there are those get pregnant and don't even want their children or do great harm them. I think why God, why them and not me? Lately, sometimes I think it is because maybe He thinks I haven't been as good of a mom to Edward was I should be. Last night, Kirk and I got in a huge fight after he got home from work. I ended up walking out, I was gone for over 2 hours, just walking around aimlessly. Sometimes I feel so trapped. I love my husband don't get me wrong. I just get frustrated. I feel overwhelmed, under appreciated, and walked on at times. It really doesn't help the situation since he doesn't have a sex drive. I need that and he just can't seem to understand why it effects me so much. I feel trapped because like tonight when I left he told me I can't take Edward, he will not allow me to leave the house with HIS son. This makes me feel trapped, because if I try to take Edward he will fight me, if I am successful at leaving with Edward then I would feel like I was kidnapping my own child, and I leave Edward (as I did tonight.....because I just had no choice....I had to get away) then he could say I abandoned my own child which in a divorce would look bad on my part. That is why I feel trapped at times. Please don't think Kirk is a bad guy, he isn't....he has been through a lot and I know that he has always been afraid of me taking Edward away from him forever. He never admitted this to me until I got pregnant with Edward and made me swear I would never do that to him. This is part of the reason why it took him so long to be convinced to try to have children in the first place. He was so afraid of this happening. Anyway, here I sit 33 days out from my last aunt flo visit. Hoping and praying that we were successful, but not wanting to say anything. Knowing I need wait another at least another 7 days for her to show before I even dare take a test....a test I dread taking because I hate getting that negative. That tends to weigh so heavy on my heart when I see that and it sends me into a much deeper depression. I know maybe I should just be thankful that God even gave me one child and just give up my hopes and dreams of having a 2nd one. But then I feel if I do that I am lacking in the faith that I should have as a Christian. I just feel so lost in the world sometimes, it is hard to be in a family but to feel so alone. I don't know maybe sometimes life can suck and I should just take the good with the bad and be thankful for what I have. I think of some that I know, how oblivious they are to the situations facing them like wanting to have more kids when the ones they already have need extra care and attention, not wanting to see it might be genetics as to why their children are they way they are. Wanting to trick their husband into more children when the ones they already have push the mom to the brink as it is. Then I look at my own brother and how oblivious he and his wife are to the fact that their 3yr old has issues and these need to be dealt with before it is to late. Then I think why am I whining? I should be grateful for 1 child, a healthy, happy well adjust child. I am grateful for Edward way beyond what words can ever say. He is truly a miracle and is one of the greatest loves of my life. Then I look at my dearest friend, she tried longer than I to have a baby, finally just put that thought out of her mind and now miracle beyond miracles (who say's there isn't a God??) she is pregnant and going to have a little Girl. I am so excited for her but sad at the same time sad for me. Selfish huh? I know that if I don't have another child this little girl is going to be so spoiled by me. She is my "Niece" and I will love her with all my heart, even if I do have more children. I think it is because I know just how special she and that she is going to be entering a very special family with 3 siblings that God placed in her family before she was even a twinkle in her parents eyes.

Then I look to another dear friend, who is suffering from Lupus. So badly, she had to have a blood transfussion. She can hardly get up and around some days. She has never been married nor has any children of her own. She loves and adores her nieces and nephew, Edward, too (he is her honorary nephew). She is grateful for what she has, and here I sit whining and getting fustrated when she has way more right than I do to feel this way. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I needed to do this, get things off my chest. It doesn't mean my depression will go away but it at least feels good to say what I need to and have been wanting to say. God Bless!!!!

On His Toes

Kirk took Edward on Friday to stay overnight at a Hotel here locally just to give me a evening to myself, since he had to be gone so much last month with business meetings. Anyways, while at the hotel Edward was jumping on the bed (something Kirk only allows him to do when they are at a hotel), needless to say Edward fell off the bed and busted his lip pretty badly on a night stand. The lip was bleeding from the inside and Edward was inconsolable. Even after calling me. Kirk kept telling Edward you can't put badges on the inside of your mouth because they wont work in there. Edward kept insisting on a bandage, so Kirk thought quick on his toes. He went to his bag, and pretended to rummage through the bag. He came back to Edward to tell him he had a magic invisible bandage (the only one he had), he "applied" the bandage to the inside of Edwards mouth. Edward stopped crying and proudly "showed" me his "bandage" when they got home the next afternoon.

Edwards Dedication

Yesterday was Edwards Dedication at Church, it went well. We were so proud of him, especially after all the fussing he had done about not wanting to do it. He went up to the front though like a little champ and even let the pastor hold him during his prayer for Edward. We got so many compliments on how cute he looked in his little sailor suit and hat.

What was he doing??

I had to get up and run to Wal-Mart at 5 Am this morning because Edward was running a temp and I couldn't locate our Motrin. While I was there there was this man in sweats and a T-shirt buying camp style dress shirts. I had to laugh to myself. First thought that came to my mind was did his wife forget to clean his work clothes or was he single and doesn't know how to do the laundry, so when he woke up and found none clean, he ran to Wal-Mart to get some clean ones (he had about 3 in his basket). I promise he looked like a man on a mission. Trust me, these thoughts gave me a good laugh. I needed that chuckle because I was tired and not wanting to be at Wal-Mart at 5 Am. Side Note: Edward is still so-so, no fever though but the Motrin hasn't wore off yet, will have to wait to see what his body does once it leaves his system.