TTC Update

Just wanted to let my readers know, that we had no such luck getting pregnant. The clomid is gone now, we need to get ourselves to the doctor and get more tests done. So we can see where we can go from here, if anywhere. Basically, we have to see where our difficulty is coming from. If it is me, probably just more intense infertility treatments. If it is Kirk (I am especially concerned about it, if something happened due to his accident and how he will handle that info), then I am not sure what the procedures are or if we can even do anything about. However I have decided that we will get the initial tests done, a sperm count basically, and if it isn't him then I think I am going to take the summer off before we start trying again. I want to give my body a rest from all those meds. I also need to have another dye test done (for my PCOS...to see if there are any blockages or cysts) I think, guess I will see what my doctor has to say about this. Will keep you posted.

Battling

Please know that this is not a pitty party, it is more a venting, screaming, crying, upset at life session. Please read with caution. I have been dealing with a huge battle lately.....DEPRESSION. I am on depression meds already. I know what is causing the depression I have been feeling so heavily lately. We have been (as you know from reading my blog) trying to have another baby since Sept of '06...I have been on Clomid since then. I had to have my prescription doubled from what I took to get pregnant with Edward over 4 years ago. I took my last session this month and now here I sit as I do every month...waiting, hoping, praying, trying not to dwell and trying to have faith. I want to cry because it is so easy for some to get pregnant and then there are those get pregnant and don't even want their children or do great harm them. I think why God, why them and not me? Lately, sometimes I think it is because maybe He thinks I haven't been as good of a mom to Edward was I should be. Last night, Kirk and I got in a huge fight after he got home from work. I ended up walking out, I was gone for over 2 hours, just walking around aimlessly. Sometimes I feel so trapped. I love my husband don't get me wrong. I just get frustrated. I feel overwhelmed, under appreciated, and walked on at times. It really doesn't help the situation since he doesn't have a sex drive. I need that and he just can't seem to understand why it effects me so much. I feel trapped because like tonight when I left he told me I can't take Edward, he will not allow me to leave the house with HIS son. This makes me feel trapped, because if I try to take Edward he will fight me, if I am successful at leaving with Edward then I would feel like I was kidnapping my own child, and I leave Edward (as I did tonight.....because I just had no choice....I had to get away) then he could say I abandoned my own child which in a divorce would look bad on my part. That is why I feel trapped at times. Please don't think Kirk is a bad guy, he isn't....he has been through a lot and I know that he has always been afraid of me taking Edward away from him forever. He never admitted this to me until I got pregnant with Edward and made me swear I would never do that to him. This is part of the reason why it took him so long to be convinced to try to have children in the first place. He was so afraid of this happening. Anyway, here I sit 33 days out from my last aunt flo visit. Hoping and praying that we were successful, but not wanting to say anything. Knowing I need wait another at least another 7 days for her to show before I even dare take a test....a test I dread taking because I hate getting that negative. That tends to weigh so heavy on my heart when I see that and it sends me into a much deeper depression. I know maybe I should just be thankful that God even gave me one child and just give up my hopes and dreams of having a 2nd one. But then I feel if I do that I am lacking in the faith that I should have as a Christian. I just feel so lost in the world sometimes, it is hard to be in a family but to feel so alone. I don't know maybe sometimes life can suck and I should just take the good with the bad and be thankful for what I have. I think of some that I know, how oblivious they are to the situations facing them like wanting to have more kids when the ones they already have need extra care and attention, not wanting to see it might be genetics as to why their children are they way they are. Wanting to trick their husband into more children when the ones they already have push the mom to the brink as it is. Then I look at my own brother and how oblivious he and his wife are to the fact that their 3yr old has issues and these need to be dealt with before it is to late. Then I think why am I whining? I should be grateful for 1 child, a healthy, happy well adjust child. I am grateful for Edward way beyond what words can ever say. He is truly a miracle and is one of the greatest loves of my life. Then I look at my dearest friend, she tried longer than I to have a baby, finally just put that thought out of her mind and now miracle beyond miracles (who say's there isn't a God??) she is pregnant and going to have a little Girl. I am so excited for her but sad at the same time sad for me. Selfish huh? I know that if I don't have another child this little girl is going to be so spoiled by me. She is my "Niece" and I will love her with all my heart, even if I do have more children. I think it is because I know just how special she and that she is going to be entering a very special family with 3 siblings that God placed in her family before she was even a twinkle in her parents eyes.

Then I look to another dear friend, who is suffering from Lupus. So badly, she had to have a blood transfussion. She can hardly get up and around some days. She has never been married nor has any children of her own. She loves and adores her nieces and nephew, Edward, too (he is her honorary nephew). She is grateful for what she has, and here I sit whining and getting fustrated when she has way more right than I do to feel this way. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I needed to do this, get things off my chest. It doesn't mean my depression will go away but it at least feels good to say what I need to and have been wanting to say. God Bless!!!!

What's Up In The Thompson Household

Spring is upon us. We are extremely busy getting things ready in the yard for a Landscaper. We will be having a Landscaping Architect come out and draw up plans for our yard in April. We need to also have the lawn reseeded. We need a type of lawn that agrees with shade. I am not a green thumb person but I want a beautiful yard to enjoy, and some great curb appeal in the front of the house. I think how a yard is kept says a lot about the people in the house. Also looking into having the Kitchen redone. This house has only 1 small counter in the kitchen, limited cupboard space, a small v shaped pantry and you have to walk around a wall to get the dishes from the sink into the dishwasher. It always looks like the kitchen exploded because it just isn't user friendly. We have 2 choices we can either widen out the current kitchen costly but reasonable in my mind, or turn the added on down stairs master bedroom that we use as a playroom/theater room/family room into the new kitchen and relocate that room into the old kitchen (much smaller). Edwards 4th Birthday is just 1month and 3 weeks (about) away. He is so excited. He is going to have a Lightening McQueen Party. We aren't sure where we are going to have it but we have a few more weeks before I need to send out the invites. He is very excited and asks every day if today is his birthday. Mommy doesn't want it to come so quickly. Edward is going to be dedicated at Church this coming Sunday. He is going to where a cute little navy sailor suit complete with hat. Hope to get some great pictures. We have been meaning to get this done but hadn't found a Church. Well, PTL, God has blessed us with an awesome Church and Church family. I love going every week. I even go when Kirk is out of town which with my social anxiety is a big deal. We are still working on baby #2. Looks like we will have to go back into the doctors for some tests and depending what the tests say, it could be fertility shots for me....this scares me because it means multiples. Not sure if I am a good enough mommy to handle more than one baby and a preschooler alone all day long. I want a little Girl so bad, but at this point I will take a little boy too. I just need to have faith that God is hearing my prayers. I also have to remember I have to accept His Will for me and my family, it is quite possible another child is not in his plans for us at this time or at all. I do believe that God gave us science though and that we should use the medical help that he has supplied us with. Sometimes Faith is a hard thing to have, especially when you need it the most. Will post more later. God Bless!

Me Bad!!!

Wow! I did not realize that it has been over a month since my past blog post. Life has been crazy needless to say. November seemed to have just wizzed by. Where it went I have no idea. Lets catch you up....Edward took Swimming lessons for 2 weeks in mid-November. He absolutely loved it. He showed no fear of the water. He has 2 more Friday Sessions of Kindermusik in December, then the Semester ends. He will be graduating to the Preschool Sessions next semester. Class will be 45 minutes long, 30 without parents and then the last 15 with parents. I am hoping to get a few books read while waiting on him. Thanksgiving was just Kirk, Edward and I. We had an untraditional Thanksgiving dinner, a brown sugar spiral ham, corn on the cob, sweet hawaiian bread, rice, green bean casserole, sweet potato casserole and strawberry-rhubarb pie, plus the ever popular variety of pickles, olives, and cranberry sauce. I celebrated my 34th birthday this month too. It was a great birthday, the best one I have had in years. We started the day off by going to church, then to Starbucks for coffee, then took Edward to McDonalds so he could play in their indoor play area, then to Comp-USA for my birthday present, then we went to the bowling alley and bowled 2 games each (Edward got a strike and a spare), then out to dinner at Macaroni Grill. Speaking of bowling. Edward is doing awesome in his Saturday Bowling League. He got 4 spares in the last weeks. We've put up the Christmas trees (the main one and the kid's one), they are both decorated now. We have decorated the front yard, but because of Kirk's accident he is unable to hang the lights on our house so we will have to have someone hired to do it. So far we aren't having any luck getting that done this year. Still trying for baby #2. I have been taking ovulation kit tests for over 2 weeks now, no sign of ovulation yet. Probably will happen this weekend when Kirk is out of town....LOL....isn't that the way it goes?

Ovulation Test Fustration

I have been using those Clearblue Ovulation kits for the past 3 days, and I am not getting an ovulation sign at all. I am so fustrated, I am afraid that they aren't doing what they are suppose to and I am ovulating an missing the window when I could be trying to get pregnant. I am praying I get a surge line and soon, if I don't get one this month I am going to be very upset with those test, because I know I should ovulate since I am on the Clomid. ARG!!!! I wish getting pregnant was easier.

Chomping At The Bit

I hate waiting for ANYTHING. I have just 3 more days before my cycle is due and I am just dying to know if we were successful getting pregnant. Then IF it doesn't come, I want to wait another 4 more days to take a test, just to make sure I didn't miscalculated. With my PCOS, sometimes it can be delayed up to a week. Plus with all this thinking of wanting to be pregnant, I risk the chance of tricking my body into thinking I am PG when I am not (I have done that before). Will keep you posted.

I did walk again yesterday. I got around 45 minutes in. We will go for another walk again today. Edward seems to enjoy them. I like them because we are getting to see our new town, up close and personal....plus it is beneficial to my health. Know what I mean? Plus we get to enjoy the beginnings of the autumn season, that God puts before us each year.

PCOS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I was just writing I have a friend with Lupus, and like Lupus, PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is a disease that there is not much known about. So I can understand to some degree what my friend with Lupus faces on a daily, lots of people think she is just faking or is a hypo-conderact. My PCOS has brought me closer to God. It has allowed me to learn so much. My Faith in the Lord is very strong because of it. I was able to work in a day care and to be a nanny for 5 years before God blessed us with a child of our own. I was able to learn patience, important nurturing, unconditional love, and just how to raise a child with love and acceptance for who they are. People say that God doesn't give us diseases or allow bad things to us. Of course He doesn't give us disease but he does allow them to happen to us and other things that will cause trials in our lives. He does it out of love for us not out of hate. He wants us to grow stronger in our faith and walk with him. Sometimes he allows things to happen to put us back in our place. I love Him for this.