A tribute to my husband and our marriage

Kirk lost his arm just about 7 yrs ago (actually in just 3 more days), so now there are lots of things I have to do for him and even though I have to do them now (because there is no way he can do them), I still do them for him with love. I have to tie his shoes, cut his meat (usually in restaurants we have special knives here at home), hold things for him while he is working on them and the list goes on. It's doing it out of love and not because I am required too. We'll be married 20 yrs in Feb and we've been through more than most folks in a marriage, and we are still going strong because we work out of love for each other at it each and every day. You have to learn to adjust to the new things a marriage brings you and be thankful for the beautiful things that brought you together in the first ... you usually find even more beautiful things that bond you together as you grow together in your marriage.

Fireproof!

We bought the movie "Fireproof" for our wedding anniversary present. We watched it. It was truly the best movie I have seen this past year. I can't wait for the Love Dare book to come out. I plan to be the first in line to buy it. I pray that Kirk got as much out of it as I did. I could watch it every day. If you are married and haven't gotten to view this movie yet, please do. It is so worth it and helps you see the value and importance of marriage. If you know of a couple who is struggling in their marriage, buy this movie for them....it also would make a great anniversary present for a couple celebrating. It would also make a great wedding or engagement gift for a couple.

TTC Update

Just wanted to let my readers know, that we had no such luck getting pregnant. The clomid is gone now, we need to get ourselves to the doctor and get more tests done. So we can see where we can go from here, if anywhere. Basically, we have to see where our difficulty is coming from. If it is me, probably just more intense infertility treatments. If it is Kirk (I am especially concerned about it, if something happened due to his accident and how he will handle that info), then I am not sure what the procedures are or if we can even do anything about. However I have decided that we will get the initial tests done, a sperm count basically, and if it isn't him then I think I am going to take the summer off before we start trying again. I want to give my body a rest from all those meds. I also need to have another dye test done (for my PCOS...to see if there are any blockages or cysts) I think, guess I will see what my doctor has to say about this. Will keep you posted.

Battling

Please know that this is not a pitty party, it is more a venting, screaming, crying, upset at life session. Please read with caution. I have been dealing with a huge battle lately.....DEPRESSION. I am on depression meds already. I know what is causing the depression I have been feeling so heavily lately. We have been (as you know from reading my blog) trying to have another baby since Sept of '06...I have been on Clomid since then. I had to have my prescription doubled from what I took to get pregnant with Edward over 4 years ago. I took my last session this month and now here I sit as I do every month...waiting, hoping, praying, trying not to dwell and trying to have faith. I want to cry because it is so easy for some to get pregnant and then there are those get pregnant and don't even want their children or do great harm them. I think why God, why them and not me? Lately, sometimes I think it is because maybe He thinks I haven't been as good of a mom to Edward was I should be. Last night, Kirk and I got in a huge fight after he got home from work. I ended up walking out, I was gone for over 2 hours, just walking around aimlessly. Sometimes I feel so trapped. I love my husband don't get me wrong. I just get frustrated. I feel overwhelmed, under appreciated, and walked on at times. It really doesn't help the situation since he doesn't have a sex drive. I need that and he just can't seem to understand why it effects me so much. I feel trapped because like tonight when I left he told me I can't take Edward, he will not allow me to leave the house with HIS son. This makes me feel trapped, because if I try to take Edward he will fight me, if I am successful at leaving with Edward then I would feel like I was kidnapping my own child, and I leave Edward (as I did tonight.....because I just had no choice....I had to get away) then he could say I abandoned my own child which in a divorce would look bad on my part. That is why I feel trapped at times. Please don't think Kirk is a bad guy, he isn't....he has been through a lot and I know that he has always been afraid of me taking Edward away from him forever. He never admitted this to me until I got pregnant with Edward and made me swear I would never do that to him. This is part of the reason why it took him so long to be convinced to try to have children in the first place. He was so afraid of this happening. Anyway, here I sit 33 days out from my last aunt flo visit. Hoping and praying that we were successful, but not wanting to say anything. Knowing I need wait another at least another 7 days for her to show before I even dare take a test....a test I dread taking because I hate getting that negative. That tends to weigh so heavy on my heart when I see that and it sends me into a much deeper depression. I know maybe I should just be thankful that God even gave me one child and just give up my hopes and dreams of having a 2nd one. But then I feel if I do that I am lacking in the faith that I should have as a Christian. I just feel so lost in the world sometimes, it is hard to be in a family but to feel so alone. I don't know maybe sometimes life can suck and I should just take the good with the bad and be thankful for what I have. I think of some that I know, how oblivious they are to the situations facing them like wanting to have more kids when the ones they already have need extra care and attention, not wanting to see it might be genetics as to why their children are they way they are. Wanting to trick their husband into more children when the ones they already have push the mom to the brink as it is. Then I look at my own brother and how oblivious he and his wife are to the fact that their 3yr old has issues and these need to be dealt with before it is to late. Then I think why am I whining? I should be grateful for 1 child, a healthy, happy well adjust child. I am grateful for Edward way beyond what words can ever say. He is truly a miracle and is one of the greatest loves of my life. Then I look at my dearest friend, she tried longer than I to have a baby, finally just put that thought out of her mind and now miracle beyond miracles (who say's there isn't a God??) she is pregnant and going to have a little Girl. I am so excited for her but sad at the same time sad for me. Selfish huh? I know that if I don't have another child this little girl is going to be so spoiled by me. She is my "Niece" and I will love her with all my heart, even if I do have more children. I think it is because I know just how special she and that she is going to be entering a very special family with 3 siblings that God placed in her family before she was even a twinkle in her parents eyes.

Then I look to another dear friend, who is suffering from Lupus. So badly, she had to have a blood transfussion. She can hardly get up and around some days. She has never been married nor has any children of her own. She loves and adores her nieces and nephew, Edward, too (he is her honorary nephew). She is grateful for what she has, and here I sit whining and getting fustrated when she has way more right than I do to feel this way. Thanks for reading if you made it this far, I needed to do this, get things off my chest. It doesn't mean my depression will go away but it at least feels good to say what I need to and have been wanting to say. God Bless!!!!

Valentine's Day

Kirk was gone over Valentine's Day. He was in Minnesota for a Business Conference. So needless to say it was just Edward and I for Valentine's Day. We had a great day together. I had told Kirk that he needed to make sure he brought home something special for Edward from him for Valentine's Dady. I was hoping Kirk would get me a little something, even if it was just flowers. I must say that I was greatly suprised when he presented me not only chocolates but a pair of diamond ruby earrings and a 3 tier heart diamond ruby necklace....his thought was that they would go beautifully with my ring he bought me for my anniversary. Guess what??? They do. :0)

Our 15th Anniversary

I was sure our Anniversary was going to pretty much be like every year (especially since Edward has come into the world), guess I was wrong (we didn't end up sitting at home and doing nothing). We went to a nice dinner at Carrabba's Italian Grill. Edward accompanied us. After we got sat down and settled in. Kirk ordered some wine and after dinner was order, the waitress looked right at me and told me she had something for me. She left and came back with a small dessert size plate. It had cherries on it and a beautiful ruby/diamond ring. Ruby's are the precious stone for 15 years. I will have to have it sized because they don't sell rings big enough for my chubby fingers so right now all I can do is wear it on my pinky and it is way to big to be a pinky ring. It was a great evening besides the fact that Edward was (and is) very moody the whole time. Just had to share, since everyone was interested in what we were going to do.

Grouchhhhheeeeeeeeeee Husbands

I don't know about you but I hate waking up to a grouchy spouse. My husband has woken up grouchy every day this weekend. It sucks because it puts me in a terrible, especially when I know that I woke up in a great mood. Then he blames his grouchy mood on me because he says my sour mood (that I got from waking up to his grouchy one) has put him in the grouchy mood that he is in. MEN!!!!!! Can't live with them (sometimes), can't live with out them (the rest of the time).